Oye vey, but tonight is New Year's Eve. Everyone's buzzing and optimistic as fuck about what this new year is gonna bring, which is nice. But, and this is where it gets deep, I couldn't help but shake this feeling of depression all damn day. All I could think about was how happy everyone else is and how...not...happy I am. Now, everyone take a breath. This isn't one of those cries for help where you need to be worried about me or whatever. This is just how it is. Let me have my dramatic moment, and explain.
As many of y'all know, 2018 was a pretty eventful year. In a way, it felt like 2018 were two separate years. The first half was, as the kids say, LIT. I was busy with post-production on my web series pilot (which was also my MFA thesis), as well as finishing classes for my final semester of my MFA program, writing a new additional sample, and being lucky enough to get a few general meetings. I was riding a high, I felt like I finally got my mojo back and I was confident in who I am and where I was headed.
Then, graduation day came! Along with it, a realization that I do not do well with the transition from school to "real life". If you knew me when I graduated from undergrad in 2013, you'll know that it wasn't a pretty sight. I not only rode the struggle bus, but I drove it. Mainly because of my depression. (*gasp* a writer with depression?!) The job search was soul crushing, and I lost all sense of self-worth. It wasn't until I started the MFA program in 2015 where I started to gain my confidence back (and lose some of the weight). The second half of 2018 turned out to be a lot of that same stuff, and BOY was it a punch in the gut. With every passing day, I felt more and more like it was 2013 and all the progress I'd made over the last 3 years were just stripped away. It SUCKS. And I'm one of those people that feels worthless when there's nothing going on in their life...to the point where I don't feel worthy of even going out to hang out with friends. It's just a thick layer of shame that's all over my body and I can't wipe it away.
I took steps to make sure I wasn't TOTALLY worthless, though. I dove into driving for DoorDash full time to get me out of the house and earning some money, which gave me the ability to buy presents for some family this year! (Sorry to the family reading this that didn't get a present. Like I said, I earned some money.) DoorDash also gets me out of the house for the day so I can still feel like I'm part of the world.
But now, on the last night of the year when everyone is all happy about the year they had and looking forward to the year they're about to have...I found myself more depressed than ever, mostly because I'm not where I felt like I should be, or where I feel OTHER people think I should be. But then I wanted to slap myself for feeling that way because I don't have to! I need to stop putting so much weight into what other people are thinking, and love myself because, god dammit, I'm worthy of that love. And if I consciously and actively take steps to focus and take care of myself, I'm going to be so much happier and I'll actually make progress.
Those cute ass motivational posters were right. I'm going to be okay. I'm going to find steady work, I'm going to finally get a job in the entertainment industry, I'm going to find my way into a writer's room, I'm going to find a man to love, I'm going to...okay, maybe I'm getting TOO optimistic about 2019, but you get the point.
I'm gonna be putting myself out there more, and hopefully you'll see more of me than you ever have before. Whether that's a good thing or not...we'll see. But 2019 is here, bitches! Let's fucking make the most of it! Happy New Year!
PEACE AND BLESSINGS,